Kids

[Deleted User 863]

Why do you think he's getting cut?

[TDub]

tough lesson....but good lesson for life. You get out what you out in and sometimes your best isn't even enough. But...life goes on and there are other opportunities to focus on.

Also, IF that is still the desired path, spend the time improving and go back at it next year.

[NewtonHawk11]

I'm guessing I'll need to be the bearer of pretty bad news for my oldest kid (he's 15), some time this week. Specifically, I think we'll learn that he is getting cut from the most competitive team he's on (and has been on for several years). The team is probably the single biggest social and competitive thing for him - it's a year-round thing.

Curious as to others' experiences with situations like this. I am guessing he'll be pretty blindsided (he shouldn't be, we've been warning him for weeks/months that he wasn't taking things seriously enough, but: this is teenagers), and I'm figuring he won't really HEAR anything we say until the shock wears off.

Big picture, what I want to communicate is:

* This won't be the last time he wants to do something where there are not enough spots for everyone.

* What will make us proud or disappointed is how he responds to adversity, not the existence (or non-existence) of adversity.

* When something is important to you, the only reliable way to protect yourself from disappointment is to put yourself in a position of knowing you did everything you should have done. If you do that, and things still don't go your way, you will find it much easier to let go of the disappointment than if you need to wonder if you left opportunity on the table.

* This doesn't change any long-term goals or opportunities - but it means (vis a vis this sport) that he either needs to take ownership in getting better, or recalibrate the time/attention to something else that serves his goals (short-, medium- and long-term).

We don't push our kids into any particular activity, but it's a requirement that they be involved in something. I don't personally care if that's sports or volunteering or debate or a job or student government or what. But you don't get to do nothing.

You get it. I would continue to say all of those things. That's tough to deal with.

[jfish26]

Why do you think he's getting cut?

Boiled down: there's a kid who is changing programs (into the one my son is in), and everything I've seen over the winter (including formal tryouts last weekend) is that my son is the third-best kid for two spots at his position.

[Deleted User 863]

Why do you think he's getting cut?

Boiled down: there's a kid who is changing programs (into the one my son is in), and everything I've seen over the winter (including formal tryouts last weekend) is that my son is the third-best kid for two spots at his position.

Dang.

Good learning experience, either way.

For him, and you and Mrs. Fish.

[pdub]

All of what you said Fish is correct.
Tough to take your first time -- seems like your world is ending -- but it's the response that makes stronger/better people.

I was cut around that age from a soccer team and it drove me, obsessively, to become better, and it was worth it for all the other teams I was on in the future.

[jfish26]

tough lesson....but good lesson for life. You get out what you out in and sometimes your best isn't even enough. But...life goes on and there are other opportunities to focus on.

Also, IF that is still the desired path, spend the time improving and go back at it next year.

Yeah, the phrase "sorry to break it to you, but the choices are pretty much (1) get better, or (2) give up" has come to mind.

[jfish26]

All of what you said Fish is correct.
Tough to take your first time -- seems like your world is ending -- but it's the response that makes stronger/better people.

I was cut around that age from a soccer team and it drove me, obsessively, to become better, and it was worth it for all the other teams I was on in the future.

Yeah. I don't think he's quite yet internalized just how obsessive successful people are at the field(s) in which they're successful.

[pdub]

It took me that heart wrenching moment to realize that.
In the end, this short term L may likely become a long term W.

[MICHHAWK]

why isn't the coach the one that is notifying the kids who did and who didn't make the team.

[jfish26]

why isn't the coach the one that is notifying the kids who did and who didn't make the team.

He might! But people are weak, and it could well be that he takes the chickenshit road here and tells me instead.

In either case, I need to be prepared.

[MICHHAWK]

i assume this is a paid coach?

[pdub]

I don't know what sport he plays or if this is even on the table but this is also a great moment to see a. do you really love the sport you are playing ( my answer was yes ) and b. do you love the position you are playing in that sport ( my answer was no ).

After a cut, I made the switch from left defender/sweeper to attacking central midfielder/left winger and had far more joy playing the game. Maybe your son has the same opportunity.

[KUTradition]

for me, getting cut my junior year put me in a position where i was playing more for the pure joy of the sport

my skills development as a player was so much greater after hs than during, and the guys that beat me out as a junior got their asses handed to them a few years later after they’d basically quit playing following their hs glory days

[jfish26]

i assume this is a paid coach?

Yep.

But roll the tape forward, MICH.

If the coach calls me and clearly wants to chicken out of telling the player himself, what good would be served by me telling him to buck up and handle it?

Sure, it would make me feel better, but if the coach is clearly too big of a coward to do it right, then I'd rather just control the message myself. I'd worry about a coward giving false hope or less-than-honest feedback.

[jfish26]

I don't know what sport he plays or if this is even on the table but this is also a great moment to see a. do you really love the sport you are playing ( my answer was yes ) and b. do you love the position you are playing in that sport ( my answer was no ).

After a cut, I made the switch from left defender/sweeper to attacking central midfielder/left winger and had far more joy playing the game. Maybe your son has the same opportunity.

In short, the only real options would be to change clubs (perhaps even taking the usurper's spot at his old club), or fill in on an as-needed basis and likely lose the competitive 2023 summer/fall season. Very hard to get back on track after that.

[MICHHAWK]

play HS sports.

i gather we are talking about soccer.

[jfish26]

Had the talk with the boy last night. He just texted me this:

Hey sorry for not asking you beforehand but I sent [coach that cut me] this last night: Hey coach, this is fish. I respect the decision you and your staff have made and honestly thank you for the wake-up call that I needed. I will take this as a sign to improve myself, my training, and my effort on or off the field while continuing my [sport]. I hope that I will get to interact with your program as much as I can in the future as I work towards my own personal goals.

Proud dad here.

[Deleted User 863]

Had the talk with the boy last night. He just texted me this:

Hey sorry for not asking you beforehand but I sent [coach that cut me] this last night: Hey coach, this is fish. I respect the decision you and your staff have made and honestly thank you for the wake-up call that I needed. I will take this as a sign to improve myself, my training, and my effort on or off the field while continuing my [sport]. I hope that I will get to interact with your program as much as I can in the future as I work towards my own personal goals.

Proud dad here.

#stud

[Deleted User 863]

Watching your kids be disappointed is 1000x harder than any personal disappointments I have experienced.