OFFICIAL OUSDAHL FINALLY GOT A TINDER THREAD

[Back2Lawrence]

She sounds awful but the fact that Ousdahl didn't order his own pizza after she decided to eat fake bread might be worse than that.

^^^^^

He’s codependent

[ousdahl]

Well I wanted my own pizza but my sugar mamma wouldn’t…nm

[ousdahl]

So I got my first un-match, after this lawyer chick asked about my law schooling and I went all foot in mouth about it.

Helluva start to the hump day.

With my ability to go foot in mouth, honestly surprised it didn’t happen sooner.

[DCHawk1]

I'm afraid you and the rest of your herd will need to be culled.




Just to be safe.

[ousdahl]

lulz

[Overlander]

lawyer chick

I see a slight problem with your approach.

[JKLivin]

and, man. After talking to some homies about it, I don't feel so bad about getting roasted.

When I say "roasted," I mean not like hella stoned or something - if only! Rather, she just roasted me like the New York Friar's Club.

But at least the New York Friar's Club is funny! And the roast is making fun of someone endearingly cuz you admire them.

This chick was basically, "Ousdahl get yer shit together!" And I mean, duh, yea, I know.

But she went on to treat it less like a date, and more like the most condescending career counseling of all time. She scolded me for my recent career change, and not having that further along already. She scolded me for not having more saved up for retirement, which she said she could tell without even asking that I didn't have. She scolded me for not being more proactive on LinkedIn (but hey, at least I'm proactive on Bumble?). She presented her favorite cover letter templates that have yielded her the most success.

Thanks for the advice babe! How's yer pizza?

on that - she also got 1. gluten free crust, which was like a $10 upcharge for a thin little cardboredy-tasting thing. Then she also got no cheese.

Not dairy-free cheese, not plant-based cheese...just, no cheese.

We had cardboard crust, sauce, and veggies. She even pushed for pineapple, but at least pumped her own brakes on that.

I swear she was cool on the first date!

But yea, I think I know why she's single. And my streak of finding the craziest chicks of all time endures.

She even has my socks! We hiked before, and she said her feet were cold. I keep extra warm clothing in my truck, so I offered her Qusdahl and NiceDC. And she never gave em back! There goes my retirement portfolio.

Perhaps the most redeeming moment also became the fucking wildest:

She goes on another rant about how Israel has a right to defend itself, but then concedes she does feel sorry for all the Palestinian kids being bombed. Whoa, a glimpse of humanity!

but then she drops this bomb:

"Though, even if I was Palestinian, and if I had the choice between my own kid either being bombed or my own kid growing up to join Hamas, I'd rather have my own kid be bombed."

My experience was that, for the vast majority of people you meet on dating apps, there is a REASON that they are unsuccessful with regular dating that usually becomes abundantly clear about five minutes after you meet in person. Absolute nightmare.

[japhy]

and, man. After talking to some homies about it, I don't feel so bad about getting roasted.

When I say "roasted," I mean not like hella stoned or something - if only! Rather, she just roasted me like the New York Friar's Club.

But at least the New York Friar's Club is funny! And the roast is making fun of someone endearingly cuz you admire them.

This chick was basically, "Ousdahl get yer shit together!" And I mean, duh, yea, I know.

But she went on to treat it less like a date, and more like the most condescending career counseling of all time. She scolded me for my recent career change, and not having that further along already. She scolded me for not having more saved up for retirement, which she said she could tell without even asking that I didn't have. She scolded me for not being more proactive on LinkedIn (but hey, at least I'm proactive on Bumble?). She presented her favorite cover letter templates that have yielded her the most success.

Thanks for the advice babe! How's yer pizza?

on that - she also got 1. gluten free crust, which was like a $10 upcharge for a thin little cardboredy-tasting thing. Then she also got no cheese.

Not dairy-free cheese, not plant-based cheese...just, no cheese.

We had cardboard crust, sauce, and veggies. She even pushed for pineapple, but at least pumped her own brakes on that.

I swear she was cool on the first date!

But yea, I think I know why she's single. And my streak of finding the craziest chicks of all time endures.

She even has my socks! We hiked before, and she said her feet were cold. I keep extra warm clothing in my truck, so I offered her Qusdahl and NiceDC. And she never gave em back! There goes my retirement portfolio.

Perhaps the most redeeming moment also became the fucking wildest:

She goes on another rant about how Israel has a right to defend itself, but then concedes she does feel sorry for all the Palestinian kids being bombed. Whoa, a glimpse of humanity!

but then she drops this bomb:

"Though, even if I was Palestinian, and if I had the choice between my own kid either being bombed or my own kid growing up to join Hamas, I'd rather have my own kid be bombed."

My experience was that, for the vast majority of people you meet on dating apps, there is a REASON that they are unsuccessful with regular dating that usually becomes abundantly clear about five minutes after you meet in person. Absolute nightmare.

I does seem like she figured Oussie out pretty quick.

[JKLivin]

and, man. After talking to some homies about it, I don't feel so bad about getting roasted.

When I say "roasted," I mean not like hella stoned or something - if only! Rather, she just roasted me like the New York Friar's Club.

But at least the New York Friar's Club is funny! And the roast is making fun of someone endearingly cuz you admire them.

This chick was basically, "Ousdahl get yer shit together!" And I mean, duh, yea, I know.

But she went on to treat it less like a date, and more like the most condescending career counseling of all time. She scolded me for my recent career change, and not having that further along already. She scolded me for not having more saved up for retirement, which she said she could tell without even asking that I didn't have. She scolded me for not being more proactive on LinkedIn (but hey, at least I'm proactive on Bumble?). She presented her favorite cover letter templates that have yielded her the most success.

Thanks for the advice babe! How's yer pizza?

on that - she also got 1. gluten free crust, which was like a $10 upcharge for a thin little cardboredy-tasting thing. Then she also got no cheese.

Not dairy-free cheese, not plant-based cheese...just, no cheese.

We had cardboard crust, sauce, and veggies. She even pushed for pineapple, but at least pumped her own brakes on that.

I swear she was cool on the first date!

But yea, I think I know why she's single. And my streak of finding the craziest chicks of all time endures.

She even has my socks! We hiked before, and she said her feet were cold. I keep extra warm clothing in my truck, so I offered her Qusdahl and NiceDC. And she never gave em back! There goes my retirement portfolio.

Perhaps the most redeeming moment also became the fucking wildest:

She goes on another rant about how Israel has a right to defend itself, but then concedes she does feel sorry for all the Palestinian kids being bombed. Whoa, a glimpse of humanity!

but then she drops this bomb:

"Though, even if I was Palestinian, and if I had the choice between my own kid either being bombed or my own kid growing up to join Hamas, I'd rather have my own kid be bombed."

My experience was that, for the vast majority of people you meet on dating apps, there is a REASON that they are unsuccessful with regular dating that usually becomes abundantly clear about five minutes after you meet in person. Absolute nightmare.

I does seem like she figured Oussie out pretty quick.

It’s basic evolutionary psychology. Women look for a mate who shows signs of stability and maturity. She has a limited number of eggs and a relatively short fertility window, so if she’s going to settle down, it’s going to be with a man, not a boy. The disaffected slacker thing is only cute for so long.

[ousdahl]

I own the fact that I’m some sorta man child.

The only thing that may disqualify me from being a man child is I feel like “man child” comes more from some sorta purely naive place, and less from an existential crisis.

It’s less “but I don’t wanna grow up” and more “struggling to bear the overwhelming weight of the human experience.”

It’s not that I’m not ambitious, it’s that I’m so ambitious I don’t even know where to begin!

In college, I went to the career services office, and got the “you can do whatever you wanna do” shtick. Doctor? Lawyer? Accountant? Whaddya wanna do, ous?

“I want to start a new religion.”

They laughed at me and suggested business school instead.

Now my career ambition is, I want to bring about systemic revolutions. What degree do I need for that one?

And, laugh at me all you want, but…

1. Even if we disagree about something, please don’t threaten to hunt me down and kill me

2. Fwiw every single chick with whom I get past the “hey how’s it going” point of the convo BESIDES the cover letter homegirl is consistently like, holy shit how are you still single? Why didn’t you swipe me sooner? How come it’s otherwise so hard to find a guy as thoughtful and sweet and funny and affectionate and romantic and sexy and genuine and high bbiq and elite wingspan as you?

[ousdahl]

Okay, fine, at least every chick who wants an actual soul mate, rather than a corporate partner.

[japhy]

I own the fact that I’m some sorta man child.

Shoulda stopped right there.

[JKLivin]

Okay, fine, at least every chick who wants an actual soul mate, rather than a corporate partner.

With rare exceptions, emotionally healthy women of childbearing age want a corporate partner first and a soulmate second. It's wired into their DNA. I didn't make the rules.

[KUTradition]

yeah, nothing to do with gina or the mideast

do you intentionally say dumb shit?

[pdub]

Okay, fine, at least every chick who wants an actual soul mate, rather than a corporate partner.

With rare exceptions, emotionally healthy women of childbearing age want a corporate partner first and a soulmate second. It's wired into their DNA. I didn't make the rules.

"Wired into their DNA".
Yea, i'm gonna push back a touch on a guy who has said the things he's said about vaccines ( and women! ) now trying to bring science into the conversation about how women choose their partners.

[JKLivin]

Okay, fine, at least every chick who wants an actual soul mate, rather than a corporate partner.

With rare exceptions, emotionally healthy women of childbearing age want a corporate partner first and a soulmate second. It's wired into their DNA. I didn't make the rules.

"Wired into their DNA".
Yea, i'm gonna push back a touch on a guy who has said the things he's said about vaccines ( and women! ) now trying to bring science into the conversation about how women choose their partners.

Your quarrel is with David Buss and his research, not me.

[pdub]

The dude who said sexual harassment isn't a man's fault?
It'S iN HiS DnA!

[JKLivin]

The dude who said sexual harassment isn't a man's fault?
It'S iN HiS DnA!

Which dude said that?

[Back2Lawrence]

My guess is Ousdahl is to blame for his failures on the app.

As much as anything, most the ladies just wanna fuck. And he seems to need to check a bunch of boxes (no pun intended) to get there.

Transactional interactions. Or is that the same as a corporate partner?

[japhy]

I was on Match.com for a short period of time, approximately 24 hours. My experience does not seem to be typical. I was in the last throws of divorce and my therapist thought it would be good for me to meet some women who weren’t industry peers. Fair enough.

The approach was pragmatic. I spent a couple of hours going through the profiles. The very first page I saw this face with red hair and dazzling pale blue eyes and read the profile and it made me laugh. I thought, this is going to be fun. A couple of hundred pages later I was bored and went back to the first page. I signed up, paid my fee and wrote a profile that was more or less a response to the redhead whose profile made me laugh. The only line of which that I remember is “My most prized possession is my Dewalt 12V rechargeable drill.”

I posted my profile and then sent a message to the redhead. The next day I had three messages. One was a straight up solicitation for sex from a woman in Minneapolis. Another was from an inappropriately younger woman ( she was in her mid 20’s) who lived in a house behind my ex. That one made me feel more skeevy than the woman from Minneapolis, not sure why. And the last one was from the redhead. I responded to the redhead and gave her my work email for correspondence purposes since I use that for everything. Then I shut down my profile. I wasn’t interested in getting any more weird messages.

The redhead used my email the way I figured she would, she accessed my firm website and looked at my CV and determined I was likely a serious growedup. She told me she had a “process” and wanted to converse by email for a couple of weeks before actually meeting. Cool.

I later found out this “process” was honed over a few years of meeting guys on Match. Her first profile pic was red hair and dazzling blue eyes and cleavage and the profile was written to attract men. She got a couple of hundred responses in 24 hours. She wrote and rewrote her profile and cropped her pic to remove the cleavage until she got fewer and fewer responses each time. She would shut down her profile every month or so and talk to a few guys and if no one made it through the process she would wait a few months and then start it up again. Unbeknownst to me, I made the cut on the day before she ws going to shut it down again.

Her process was pretty good I think. Two weeks of conversing via email. She claims you could figure out who was an asshole or just not compatible in that time. They let down their guard and something slips out or you just realize they are not interesting to you or vice versa. A got through that test with flying colors. The second test was a phone call. As she told me later anyone can be witty or charming if they have half a day to craft their responses. Talking on the phone was game time, can you bring it spontaneously? Also she wanted to know if I had a weird laugh or had an effeminate voice. Both were dealbreakers for her as she had determined in meeting other guys. I made it through test 2 as well. On the phone she said, “OK, I am tired of talking to you remote, let’s meet.” She had one more rule to tell me about, she did not kiss on the first date, don’t even ask. I invited her to my place on the 29th floor of the 909 Walnut Bldg which has a view of the river and downtown and made my famous mashed taters, sure, it was a power move. In conversation previously she told me that she “wanted to be a vegetarian”. After dinner she said those were the most incredible mashed taters she has ever had. “What was the smokey flavor in them?” German summer sausage. She decided she wasn’t going to be a vegetarian after all. We talked for hours afterwards and I passed another test. We talked about ghosts and teleportation. I told I had experiences in both. She believed in both and most men treated her like she was nuts if she talked about it. She was currently living in a haunted house. On the elevator ride down to the lobby I asked her for a second date. She started laughing and told me that was against the rules. “No one asks for a second date face to face, that way you don’t have to see the look on the other person's face if they say no.” I told her I thought we were too old for bullshit games and besides I knew she wanted to go out again. I walked her to her car and no attempt at a kiss. She threw herself on me and gave me a big hug before she left though.

The next day I emailed her and asked her why she came back and was walking around my apartment in the dark. Wuuut? How do you know I was looking around your apartment later? I could hear bare feet scuffling around my apartment in the dark, I recognized the sound from earlier in the evening. OK, she said, I decided to go back to your place in my mind and walk around to see how things were there when it was just you. I didn’t think you could hear that. Well I did, it was a little creepy at first but then I realized it was you and went to sleep.

A year and a half later we got married and have been together for 14 years now. When her friends lament their experiences on dating apps she often tells them this story. How she spent years working on a system and a process to find success, and I did it in 24 hours. She likes to think she is clever, and she is, but it is no contest when compared to someone who was sent by God.

There was no promise of corporate sponsorship, she had previous offers of that and walked away. She could have used monetary stability but having been divorced once she wasn't interested in having a relationship based secondary concerns. She was looking for someone who could hear her footsteps in the dark when she wasn't there. Your mileage may vary.