Woman Question

[HouseDivided]

Hopefully, one of our few females will chime in here. I assume it's because they've been hit on so many times that they let you, or anyone else for that matter, know up front that they are no available.

Agreed. Female input would be great.

Not sure about the being hit on angle. I don't even bother talking to really attractive women unless they strike up a conversation with me for that very reason. These are average to below average, run-of-the-mill females for whom I doubt that is a problem.

In general, and studies back this up, men tend to rank women more attractive than vice versa. Also, men tend to misread things, usually men think women are more interested in them than they are, while women are more accurate in that perception. (John Tesh, intelligence for your life).

It's clearly not true with you. But, I think it's likely that some of these women who you think are 4s and 5s, are probably rated more like 6s and 7s by a lot of men, so good enough to hit on...and those men, who think of themselves as the equivalent are probably viewed by those women more likely as 4s or lower....so, not only do they probably get hit on, it's frequently by men they aren't attracted to.

It would also get old, to frequently have guys, "strike up innocent conversation" only to later on start hitting on a woman. Announcing they have a sig. other, is just a way of saying, "it's cool if we talk, but if this is your ice breaker to trying to get a date, let's not waste either of our time".

Keep in mind that for a guy getting hit on at worst is flattering, for women, it can be threatening/intimidating, or escalate to something worse.

That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for taking the time. Much appreciated.

[DCHawk1]

PhD is viewed by all women as 1s or lower.

Fuck you, I'm a solid 2.

Not if yer doin' rack pulls.

[pdub]

You shouldn't rack pull around women you aren't in a relationship with.

[DCHawk1]

You shouldn't rack pull around other people.

[HouseDivided]

PhD is viewed by all women as 1s or lower.

Fuck you, I'm a solid 2.

Not if yer doin' rack pulls.

Which is worse: rack pulls or trap bar deadlift?

[PhDhawk]

They're both great.

As long as you don't pull sumo.

[PhDhawk]

You shouldn't rack pull around other people.

You're just jealous, because there's a shitload of weight on the bar, it makes a loud noise, and everyone in the gym turns to look at the asshole (me) making all that noise.

Hater

[3rdGenJayhawk]

Wings are smoking so now I've got a bit of time....

So here's a woman's perspective... If I'm alone and some random guy starts a conversation with me, there are a couple of filters/situations that would determine my stance / reaction to him.

1. Context. If we're at work, a party or other social event, then I'm going to be more guarded then say, if I'm in line at the post office or grocery store. This is because at a social event or work, maybe the guy has had a chance to scope you out in advance - so I'm going to be more alert. If it's a random thing (like today in line waiting to vote), then I'm going to probably be friendlier. So, my question for you is where are these interactions taking place?

2. Topic of conversation. If it's about the weather you're good. Anything non personal is a good ice breaker (unless there's something specific that you notice - like today I am wearing a Jayhawk t-shirt and several people at the voting place mentioned KU/Kansas in some way - all in a good way). A creeper is going to usually mention something first about my hair, my smile, my blouse (not the same as the previously mentioned t-shirt) etc...

3. Intention. I'm in a committed relationship, so yes, if I FEEL at all that someone is hitting on me, or I feel intimidated, I'm probably going to interject somehow that my "husband" does this or that or the other (whether or not that person is indeed hitting on me).

4. Body Language. You mentioned that your a big guy, so yes, I can also see how that might intimidate some women. I'm 5' 5", 120 lbs. So if I run across you in an elevator alone, I'm going to be more anxious than if we're in a public place.

On a related note one thing I learned as I began to come out of my shell so to speak - I used to be crazy shy - is that I would mimic the body language / posture of the person I was trying to talk with. I know I'm female, but I would think this would work if you were a guy, trying to do the same thing (start up a conversation). If she is holding her arms across her chest, you do the same; if she is more animated with her arms, then you could be as well; leaning her elbow on the table, you are too. Most importantly let her (or him if your taking to a man) dictate the body language - then you follow suit. I found that this seemed to make others more willing to open up and have a conversation with me - and thus made me open up even further.

My last bit of advice. Since you are making an effort to be more outgoing (and that's something you want to do) then kudos to you. Don't let past interactions dictate your future endeavors. When I was teaching I used to tell my students the rule of 100 when they were about to start interviewing for a job. 100 resumes. 10 interviews. 1 job. Meaning sometimes it takes a LOT of effort to get the desired result. Keep at it!

[HouseDivided]

Wings are smoking so now I've got a bit of time....

So here's a woman's perspective... If I'm alone and some random guy starts a conversation with me, there are a couple of filters/situations that would determine my stance / reaction to him.

1. Context. If we're at work, a party or other social event, then I'm going to be more guarded then say, if I'm in line at the post office or grocery store. This is because at a social event or work, maybe the guy has had a chance to scope you out in advance - so I'm going to be more alert. If it's a random thing (like today in line waiting to vote), then I'm going to probably be friendlier. So, my question for you is where are these interactions taking place?

2. Topic of conversation. If it's about the weather you're good. Anything non personal is a good ice breaker (unless there's something specific that you notice - like today I am wearing a Jayhawk t-shirt and several people at the voting place mentioned KU/Kansas in some way - all in a good way). A creeper is going to usually mention something first about my hair, my smile, my blouse (not the same as the previously mentioned t-shirt) etc...

3. Intention. I'm in a committed relationship, so yes, if I FEEL at all that someone is hitting on me, or I feel intimidated, I'm probably going to interject somehow that my "husband" does this or that or the other (whether or not that person is indeed hitting on me).

4. Body Language. You mentioned that your a big guy, so yes, I can also see how that might intimidate some women. I'm 5' 5", 120 lbs. So if I run across you in an elevator alone, I'm going to be more anxious than if we're in a public place.

On a related note one thing I learned as I began to come out of my shell so to speak - I used to be crazy shy - is that I would mimic the body language / posture of the person I was trying to talk with. I know I'm female, but I would think this would work if you were a guy, trying to do the same thing (start up a conversation). If she is holding her arms across her chest, you do the same; if she is more animated with her arms, then you could be as well; leaning her elbow on the table, you are too. Most importantly let her (or him if your taking to a man) dictate the body language - then you follow suit. I found that this seemed to make others more willing to open up and have a conversation with me - and thus made me open up even further.

My last bit of advice. Since you are making an effort to be more outgoing (and that's something you want to do) then kudos to you. Don't let past interactions dictate your future endeavors. When I was teaching I used to tell my students the rule of 100 when they were about to start interviewing for a job. 100 resumes. 10 interviews. 1 job. Meaning sometimes it takes a LOT of effort to get the desired result. Keep at it!

Thank you. That was very helpful.

As a rule, I don’t comment on a person’s hair or smile or clothing. I stick to the generic. I also avoid initiating interactions. If she makes eye contact, smiles, and says hello, I reciprocate. If she makes small talk, I respond, but that’s about it.

I feel like I go out of my way NOT to be the guy who makes women feel the need to blurt out “I have a boyfriend,” so it is troubling when it happens anyway.

[3rdGenJayhawk]

HD, try the body language tactic during your next few encounters and see if that makes any difference. If they (women) are initiating the conversation, then they should be at ease any way. But people are surprising - new ones even more so. So there could be any number of untold reasons why they mention their significant others....

It also might be an age thing. I don't know the age group of your subject group, but I would guess that I would have been far more likely to mention a boyfriend when I was in my 30's.

[DCHawk1]

They're both great.

As long as you don't pull sumo.

Ed Coan thinks "you're bullshit"

[PhDhawk]

[DrPepper]

Maybe they feel they'll get a more authentic version of you if the boundary is clearly set.

Female here. I agree with many of the points that have been mentioned. In particular, I like jfish's point above. Her comment is not meant to push you away nor put you down... just to make it clear that things are platonic. Incidentally, that is exactly the type of conversation you said you are striving for so this is good news.

[HouseDivided]

Maybe they feel they'll get a more authentic version of you if the boundary is clearly set.

Female here. I agree with many of the points that have been mentioned. In particular, I like jfish's point above. Her comment is not meant to push you away nor put you down... just to make it clear that things are platonic. Incidentally, that is exactly the type of conversation you said you are striving for so this is good news.

Thank you. I appreciate the female input. I guess I still just want to know what I'm doing to make her feel like she needs to send that message in the first place. That really bothers me.

[Deleted User 89]

You shouldn't rack pull around other people.

You're just jealous, because there's a shitload of weight on the bar, it makes a loud noise, and everyone in the gym turns to look at the asshole (me) making all that noise.

Hater

so your penis really is that small, huh?

[Deleted User 89]

Maybe they feel they'll get a more authentic version of you if the boundary is clearly set.

Female here. I agree with many of the points that have been mentioned. In particular, I like jfish's point above. Her comment is not meant to push you away nor put you down... just to make it clear that things are platonic. Incidentally, that is exactly the type of conversation you said you are striving for so this is good news.

Thank you. I appreciate the female input. I guess I still just want to know what I'm doing to make her feel like she needs to send that message in the first place. That really bothers me.

you likely aren’t doing anything

i often find a way to interject a comment about my wife, specifically to put it out there and make it known

if i were the significant other of the women you’re interacting with, i’d appreciate them being forthright...regardless of who they are conversing with

you’re likely reading too much into it

[HouseDivided]

Female here. I agree with many of the points that have been mentioned. In particular, I like jfish's point above. Her comment is not meant to push you away nor put you down... just to make it clear that things are platonic. Incidentally, that is exactly the type of conversation you said you are striving for so this is good news.

Thank you. I appreciate the female input. I guess I still just want to know what I'm doing to make her feel like she needs to send that message in the first place. That really bothers me.

you likely aren’t doing anything

i often find a way to interject a comment about my wife, specifically to put it out there and make it known

if i were the significant other of the women you’re interacting with, i’d appreciate them being forthright...regardless of who they are conversing with

you’re likely reading too much into it

Thank you. I tend to do that. Hazard of the profession.

[Deleted User 62]

Fucking hilarious.

Psych and Gutter carrying on about thier lack of success with the ladies.

Who could have predicted it?

[HouseDivided]

Fucking hilarious.

Psych and Gutter carrying on about thier lack of success with the ladies.

Who could have predicted it?

You’re in rare form tonight, Plano. Rough day?

[jhawks99]

Maybe they feel they'll get a more authentic version of you if the boundary is clearly set.

Female here. I agree with many of the points that have been mentioned. In particular, I like jfish's point above. Her comment is not meant to push you away nor put you down... just to make it clear that things are platonic. Incidentally, that is exactly the type of conversation you said you are striving for so this is good news.

Thank you. I appreciate the female input. I guess I still just want to know what I'm doing to make her feel like she needs to send that message in the first place. That really bothers me.

I don't think it's you. It's probably the 100 guys who were having a conversation with her previously and then turned it weird.